This post was originally published in 2013, on my forty-seventh birthday. Today, nearly nine years later, I don't want to say that some things never change (even though the evidence suggests that's true) but rather, I'll concede that some things are really hard to change. I AM NOT GIVING UP.
Last January, I began the second half of my grad school journey. The new year, as it often does, filled me with optimism and good intentions. I would be organized…I would finish reading assignments in a timely manner…I would add only thoughtful, insightful, and witty comments to the discussion boards…I would begin my final project early and finish it ahead of schedule...I would be brilliant.
Yeah, whatever. Brilliance is for people who don’t have a job, a family, a mortgage, and an overwhelming need to lay on the couch and watch reruns of Friends episodes. I slogged through another great, challenging course. At times it was like being forced to sit at the table until I finished all of my broccoli. Yes, cruciferous vegetables and scholarly articles about media and public discourse will make be smarter, faster, and stronger; but, I find the taste and texture of them a little off-putting.
I was successful with my class, but not brilliant. Even so, when I finished my final project at the end of April–about 37 minutes before the deadline–optimism and good intentions began to creep back into my psyche. I will use my summer free time to get organized…My gardens will grow only things that are intentionally placed there…My house will be mistaken for a cover of Better Homes & Gardens and will smell of freshly picked, intentionally-grown lavender…I will train for a marathon and teach Stella to walk nicely on a leash…I’ll hang the pictures from our wedding (just a few months after celebrating our 5th anniversary)…I’ll lose the flabby things on the back of my upper arms…I will have a clean office…I’ll become a better photographer…I’ll write more…I’ll write better…I’ll publish my first book…Brilliant.
Okay. So I tend to be a bit off on my goals, projections, and projects. As I write this—on my forty-seventh birthday—I’d describe my summer thus far as productive and totally fun but Stella still pulls my flabby arm nearly out of its socket when we walk around the neighborhood. The wedding photos are still in a box and not on the wall. I have infinitely more weeds than I do published books. Is brilliance overrated? Maybe so.
According to some really smart creative people who write books that I like to read and live the life that I aspire to have, what I need much more than brilliance is focus and discipline. Screw a lavender-scented home and a well-mannered dog and muscle-y upper arms. I will get to those things later. After I write my book. Which I will work on every day. Because that’s what focused, disciplined, successful creative people do. They write or paint or sketch or dance or whatever every day. They don’t aim for perfection. They deal with shitty first drafts (thank you, Ann Lamotte). They know that good taste coupled with effort and patience will pay off eventually (thank you, Ira Glass). They just do the work.
So in that spirit, I’ve hung a big calendar in my office. I will use said calendar to keep track of the work on my book, with a goal of having a big “X” through every day of every month until the book is published. A big “X” means that I was focused and disciplined and dedicated on that day—I did something, perhaps brilliantly, perhaps not. The calendar begins with August so I have a couple more days to screw around. And of course, I’m spending the next week vacationing in Iowa, so that week doesn’t count. And then I’ll have a lot of stuff to catch up on from my real job. And another quick weekend vacation or two because school starts again soon after that.
Oh, hell. This is going to be hard.
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